From ‘can’t do’ to ‘can do’
Research has proven Henry Ford correct when
he said, “whether you think you can or that you
can’t, you are usually right”.
Helping young people develop a positive
growth oriented mindset where they can
improve over time and overcome setbacks
powerfully predicts success.
This shifts them
from “can’t do” to “can do”.
Here are some
ways that parents develop this attitude in
children.
Have a policy of “we fall down 7 timesbut we get up 8”.
We all have set backs. There are times when
we all have to pick ourselves up, dust
ourselves off and start again. Most of us are
experts in this even if we’ve forgotten it
because this is the way we learned to walk.
Sucking at something the first few times you do
it is the first step to getting good at it.
Use “I noticed” feedback
Parents can use “I noticed” feedback for
positive and negative behaviors. The number
of comments made to kids that begin with the
phrase “I noticed”, shape behavior powerfully.
For example, “I noticed you like to draw”, “I
noticed you are really trying hard to”, “I noticed
you’re reading a good book”. Believe me, they
will notice that you have noticed!
Parents can use this to calmly draw attention to
negative behaviors. For example, “I notice
you are up when you are supposed to be
asleep” or “I notice that you are feeling upset
right now”. This gives kids a chance to explain
their actions or comply with parents’ wishes.
Praise effort more than ability
Tell your kids that they are geniuses but they
don’t know it yet. It’s good to know that your
parents think you are wonderful. Then focus
most of your comments on effort. For example,
“You really worked hard at that well done!” “I
noticed you really tried your best at that, I’m
impressed” or “Wow, your practice seems to be
really paying off”.
Mistakes are opportunities to learn.
If a child thinks they didn’t do well at something
because they lack intelligence, they give up.
When they can see they are on a pathway of
improvement they persist.
Mistakes are an essential part of learning. The
physicist Niels Bohr defines an expert as “a
person who has made all the mistakes that can
be made in a very narrow field.”
Creating something new involves make a lot of
mistakes. One example is the bestselling
Dyson vacuum cleaner. The inventor made
5,127 prototypes of the vacuum before getting
it right. “There were 5,126 failures. But I
learned from each one. That's how I came up
with a solution. So I don't mind failure”.
Parents can help children to learn that when
you make a mistake all it means is that you
haven’t learned how to get it right yet.
Dealing with set backs
No one really enjoys making mistakes. If we
don’t learn from our mistakes we are destined
to repeat them. It is hard to keep your
enthusiasm up when you’ve not been selected
for a dance team or a drama part or a sports
team or failed a test at school.
Parents can help kids by helping them to
analyse mistakes. Some questions used to
review a setback are:
Ok so you didn’t do as well as you would have
liked. Let’s see if we can learn from this?
What parts of it did you do well?
What parts of it didn’t go as well as you hoped?
How much work would be involved in getting
better at those parts?
Would you change the way you prepared for it
next time? In what ways?
I know you can do better at this if you want to.
Do you want to try again?
How can I help you with this?
If they decide not to have another go say, “Ok
but don’t let your decision trick you into
believing you couldn’t get better if you tried.”
Copyright Andrew Fuller www.andrewfuller.com.au 2
Turn losses into tournaments
You may have already done this as a kid. After
losing at a game, you may have said, “Ok, best
out of three is the champion”. If you didn’t win
that tournament perhaps you may have said,
“Ok, best out of five is ruler of the universe”.
Teach your kids that there is no loss; there is
always a chance to have another go.
There is no try!
As the Jedi master puts it, do or do not, there is
no try. Parents shouldn’t accept “try” either.
When kids say they are going to try ask them,”
does that mean you are going to do it or not?”
Focus on the way we do things rather than
the result
Successful sports teams play the game the
same way regardless of the score in the game.
Focusing on the result causes people to panic
or freeze up. Parents’ comments can cause a
shift in their child’s awareness. Instead of
commenting on the result, find something you
like and notice it. For example, “you sang the
first few bars of that song beautifully, it’s
coming together”. Avoid the temptation to then
add suggestions of ways to improve.
Talk about your role models
Young people today seem to lack positive role
models. The media seems determined to serve
kids up role models of testosterone fueled
bozos or ditzy socialite women.
The idea that you can partly shape your life on
someone who you admire is alien to them. Talk
about the people you admired as a kid. Explain
why they have been important. Talk about the
everyday heroes who have inspired you.
#Howto avoid a boring life
If you get scared of getting things wrong, you
won’t try new things. If you don’t try new things
you become bored and boring. Life becomes
mundane, dull and routine.
Parents can arrange to do things with their kids
that they have never done before. Quirky
adventures don’t have to take a lot of time or
money but they do take some thought and
planning. Plan to have your child (and yourself)
go somewhere they’ve never been before or do
something they have never done before. Don’t
settle for anything less than an interesting life.
Think of a time when it was hard
We’ve all done things that at first seemed
impossible. We’ve all struggled at times in our
lives. Share some of those stories with your
kids so they know that you have shared the
same doubts as they have. Talk about times
when you could have given up but you didn’t.
How to talk with them about successes.
Kids want their parents’ approval. The way you
provide praise will shape their future efforts.
Let them know you are proud of them. Try to
include in your delight at their success a
comment on the effort that went into their
success.
For example, “I am so proud of you for getting
that A, I know how much work you put into that
project.”
“You were great today. All that practice has
really paid off. I’m proud of you”.
“Wow when you put your mind towards
something you really work hard and get it.
That’s great”
Be exuberant
If you become the proud parent, kids will tell
you that you are embarrassing them. Don’t
believe them. Maybe don’t do it in front of other
people but when you get them in private, let
them know that you love them and think they
are fantastic. They may pretend to you that
they hate it but they all secretly lap it up.
Be the antidote to the drip feed of despair
Your kids will become upset at setbacks, will
label themselves as “no good” or stupid if they
don’t get a good mark and compare themselves
negatively to others. It is so tempting for
parents to try to soothe kids out of this or even
provide a salutary lesson, “well if you’d tried
harder you would have done better”. Don’t do
this!
Be determined to stay focused on effort and
improvement. “I’m sorry you didn’t do as well
as you hoped and if you want to have another
go, let’s work out a way of getting better at it”.
At first changing your parenting language might
feel a bit weird. Focusing on noticing,
commenting on effort and emphasizing the
power of having a go are the most powerful
ways parents can set kids up for success.
#opportunities
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